How do I fix my marriage with a narcissist?

Counselling for Narcissism in Marriage

Marriages with a narcissistic spouse can be incredibly challenging. Narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, and a constant need for attention and admiration. These traits can put a huge strain on a relationship. If your partner exhibits narcissistic behaviors, you likely feel lonely, dismissed, and frustrated. The good news is that with commitment, compassion, and targeted effort, it may be possible to improve the situation. This comprehensive guide explores strategies and advice for repairing a marriage strained by narcissism.

 

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The first step is gaining clarity on what narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) really entails. Here’s an overview of key characteristics:

Inflated Sense of Self

Those with NPD have an exaggerated sense of superiority. They overestimate their talents and abilities, and often come across as arrogant or haughty.

Sense of Entitlement

They feel entitled to special treatment, recognition, and compliance from others. They disregard rules or social conventions they feel don’t apply to them.

Lack of Empathy

They struggle to identify with others’ perspectives or emotions. Conversations often revolve around themselves.

Attention Seeking

They crave attention and admiration from those around them. They may charm others to gain praise or status.

Interpersonal Exploitation

They often take advantage of others to achieve their goals. They lack consideration for how their actions impact others.

Envious of Others

They are often envious or believe others are envious of them. They assume others are constantly comparing themselves to them.

Arrogant Attitudes and Behaviors

They behave in arrogant, superior ways. They often lack humility and can be haughty or patronizing.

Of course, narcissistic tendencies exist on a spectrum. Not everyone with narcissism has full-blown NPD. But these characteristics commonly impact marriages involving a narcissistic partner.

Example Scenarios

Your partner frequently boasts about accomplishments, appears irritated when you don’t lavish praise, accuses you of being jealous, refuses to follow rules they don’t like, and disregards your feelings or needs.

Impact of Narcissism on Marriage

Narcissism can gradually erode close relationships. Here’s how it often plays out in marriage:

Feeling Invalidated

A narcissist’s lack of empathy and attention-seeking tendencies often leave their spouse feeling ignored, unseen, and invalidated.

Walking on Eggshells

To avoid triggering narcissistic rage, partners frequently become conflict avoidant and walk on eggshells.

Blaming Others

Narcissists rarely take accountability. Instead, they blame relationship issues solely on their spouse.

Manipulation

Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and controlling behaviors are common narcissistic tactics.

Addiction Issues

Narcissists may cope through addictions to substances, sex, social media, or other compulsive behaviors.

Infidelity

Lack of empathy and chronic need for validation can motivate extramarital affairs.

Emotional Abuse

Partners are frequently subjected to narcissistic emotional abuse like name-calling, threats, humiliation, etc.

This recurrent invalidation, criticism, and manipulation often leaves the non-narcissist feeling depressed, anxious, isolated, and undeserving of love.

Example Scenarios

Your spouse continuously accuses you of things you didn’t do, flirts with others in front of you, disregards your needs, says insulting things then calls you “too sensitive,” spends recklessly behind your back, constantly lies, and makes you feel like the problems in the marriage are all your fault.

Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

If narcissistic behaviors are permeating your marriage, you may wonder if positive change is possible or if you should walk away. Consider the following:

Look for Signs of Remorse

While rare, some narcissists may recognize their hurtful actions and seek help. Look for genuine remorse and efforts to improve.

Set Firm Boundaries

Create clear boundaries around what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Walk away if lines are crossed.

Get Individual Therapy

Work with a therapist to process traumatic experiences, boost self-esteem, set healthy boundaries, and decide next steps.

Enlist Outside Support

confide in trusted friends and relatives to validate your experiences and provide perspective.

Have an Exit Plan

Quietly open your own bank account, consult lawyers, make arrangements in case you need to leave the relationship.

Consider Trial Separation

Time apart may provide clarity on if the marriage can be repaired or if divorce is healthiest option.

Leaving any marriage is challenging. Do what’s right for you. In some cases, walking away may be the best choice.

Example Scenarios

Your spouse apologizes for lashing out and admits they have problems with anger and empathy. They start seeing a counselor and actively work to control their behaviors. Or, your partner blames you entirely for any issues, refuses to acknowledge their actions, and often threatens to leave – signaling the relationship likely can’t be salvaged.

Encouraging a Narcissist to Seek Treatment

If you want to try repairing the marriage, coaxing a narcissistic partner into treatment could be beneficial. But proceed carefully with these tips:

Avoid Accusations

Don’t directly call them a “narcissist” or list their flaws. This often triggers denial and outrage.

Point to Behaviors

Calmly point out specific behaviors that concern you and ask to work together on positive change.

Suggest Couples Counseling

Pitch seeing a marriage counselor as an opportunity to “strengthen communication and connection.” Don’t focus on their flaws.

Enlist Outside Help

Ask a doctor, religious leader, or trusted friend to recommend therapy for overall wellbeing and growth.

Appeal to the Ego

Emphasize how counseling could help them succeed in work and relationships – which would fulfill their perfectionism.

Set Limits

Make clear you will walk away from the relationship if they refuse to acknowledge issues or seek help.

With a mix of compassion and conviction, you may be able to persuade them. But they need to be willing to change.

Example Scenarios

“I’ve noticed some tension between us and think couples counseling could really help us gain some useful tools to communicate better and be closer.” Or, “The doctor recommended counseling as a way for us both to learn how to reduce daily stress and improve our overall mental health.”

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Implementing strong boundaries is vital when trying to improve a relationship with a narcissistic spouse. Strategies to try:

Set Physical Boundaries

Don’t tolerate any forms of physical abuse or intimidation. Leave immediately if it occurs.

Limit Emotional Abuse

Don’t accept constant criticism, name-calling, manipulation, gaslighting, or other toxicity.

Enforce Financial Boundaries

Don’t let them control all finances. Insist on transparency with accounts and agreements for large purchases.

Don’t Tolerate Cheating

Infidelity is unacceptable. Clarify it will end the relationship.

Limit Social Media

Restrict constantly posting about your relationship or monitoring your profiles. Set social media boundaries.

Prioritize Self-Care

Make time for hobbies, friends, exercise, and anything else that nourishes you.

Let Small Things Go

Choose your battles wisely. Don’t try to control all their behaviors.

Set Consequences

Make clear you will leave the relationship if certain terms are violated.

By sticking to defined boundaries, you reinforce what you will and won’t tolerate in a healthy relationship.

Example Scenarios

“If you ever hit me again, I will immediately file for divorce.” Or, “Going forward I need access to our financial accounts and approval for purchases over $500.”

Improving Communication Patterns

Unhealthy communication patterns often develop when managing a narcissistic partner. Here are some techniques to try:

Active Listening

When they are speaking, give them your full attention. Reflect back what you hear.

Assertive Speaking

Confidently share your perspective. Use “I” statements and stick to facts.

Manage Reactions

Stay calm if they get angry or shift blame. Don’t reciprocate aggression.

Compromise

Look for agreeable solutions. Offer concessions along with voicing your needs.

Validate Feelings

Ask about and acknowledge their emotions along with your own.

Set Discussion Rules

Agree to ground rules like no yelling, blaming, or abusive language.

Schedule Talk Time

Set regular times to connect minus distractions. Prevent avoidance.

Use “I” Statements

Discuss issues in terms of how you feel, not accusations.

Focus on mutual understanding. This reduces reacted defensiveness from the narcissist.

Example Scenarios

“I know you are disappointed you didn’t get that promotion. I’m feeling concerned about how we’ll pay the mortgage. Let’s brainstorm together.” Or, “When you interrupt me, I feel unheard. Can we agree to let each other finish our thoughts?”

Coping with Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rages are intense outbursts that occur when a narcissist feels criticized, rejected, or wounded. Strategies for dealing with episodes include:

Stay Calm

Don’t react emotionally. Speak gently and reassuringly.

Give Space

Suggest taking a short break from the conversation to cool down.

Set Limits

Make clear screaming, threats, or abuse will not be tolerated.

Shift Focus

Redirect the conversation to solutions and taking a positive action.

Compromise

If a request you made triggered them, find middle ground.

Offer Reassurance

Provide compliments and appreciation to help calm their insecurities.

Take Accountability

If you said something hurtful, sincerely apologize.

Don’t Engage

Avoid trying to reason with them until the heated emotions have passed.

Staying grounded yourself is key. When emotions escalate, nothing productive will be accomplished.

Example Scenarios

“Let’s take 20 minutes to ourselves and come back to discuss this more calmly.” Or, “I will not accept yelling. If you can lower your voice we can work through this.”

Getting Support for Yourself

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can take an immense emotional toll. That’s why getting the right support system is critical.

Therapy

Work with a therapist skilled in treating victims of narcissistic abuse and trauma.

Support Groups

Join local support groups or online communities for those dealing with narcissistic partners.

Close Friends

Surround yourself with empathetic close friends who can listen and provide perspective.

Self Care

Make nourishing your mind, body, and spirit a top priority through healthy outlets.

Education

Read books and online resources to better understand narcissism and its impacts.

Journaling

Writing about experiences can bring clarity and catharsis.

Mindfulness Practices

Try yoga, meditation, nature walks – anything grounding that brings peace.

Don’t go through this alone. Leaning on others will help you find strength and worthiness.

Example Scenarios

You see a counselor weekly to process episodes of manipulation or rage. You join a divorce support group to connect with others who understand. A close co-worker becomes your confidant. You read books on overcoming narcissistic abuse. Daily journaling provides an emotional outlet. A weekly yoga class centers you.

Knowing When to Walk Away

As much as you try to improve the relationship, ultimately you may have to walk away. Consider leaving if:

Your Needs Aren’t Being Met

The relationship feels totally one-sided no matter what you give.

The Bad Outweighs the Good

Negativity, toxicity and abuse have overshadowed any positives.

You Don’t Feel Safe

You are subjected to emotional or physical abuse without change.

You’ve Lost Your Identity

You’ve abandoned interests, values, goals, and self-worth.

There is No Accountability

They refuse to acknowledge issues or seek professional help.

ultimatums Are Ignored

Established boundaries and ultimatums consistently get crossed or broken.

You Feel Trapped and Powerless

The relationship feels totally immobilizing in every facet of your life.

At a certain point, enough may be enough. Don’t keep sacrificing your happiness and wellbeing.

Example Scenarios

You are subjected to daily volatile tirades, despite pleading for change. You abandoned your friends and hobbies to appease your partner’s demands. Though you’ve threatened to leave before, your spouse convinces you to stay but nothing improves.

Finding the Courage to Leave

Making the decision to end a marriage is courageous but challenging. Things to keep in mind include:

Know It’s Not Your Fault

The narcissist will blame you, but the relationship ending is not your failure.

Connect with Support Systems

Turn to understanding friends, family members, therapists, support groups.

List the Reasons for Leaving

Make a list of all their toxic behaviors as reminders when you waver.

Set Departure Boundaries

Determine what you will and won’t accept during the separation process.

Consult Legal Resources

Learn your rights and options from divorce lawyers and domestic abuse advocates.

Secure Alternative Housing

Find somewhere safe to stay before announcing your departure.

Gather Critical Supports

Have an exit plan and access to money, legal help, therapists, childcare if needed.

Expect Manipulation

Prepare for pleading, anger, threats – and resist getting sucked back in.

You deserve so much better. Draw strength from those who love and support you.

Example Scenarios

You join a support group for abused partners, open a separate bank account, consult divorce lawyers, make plans to stay with family, and brace for volatile reactions.

Healthy Co-Parenting After Divorce

If you have children with a narcissist, navigating co-parenting after divorce poses challenges. Helpful strategies include:

Follow Court Orders

Rigidly adhere to all formal custody schedules, obligations, and guidelines.

Limit Direct Contact

Reduce face-to-face engagements and communicate predominantly through impersonal channels.

Keep Records

Document exchanges, payments, violations – everything. This creates a paper trail.

Remain Calm

Don’t react emotionally to antagonistic behaviors. Model stability for your kids.

Establish Boundaries

Make very clear what types of communications and behaviors you will engage with.

Address Issues Professionally

Communicate concerns through lawyers, therapists, mediators – not directly.

Shield Kids from Conflict

Never criticize the other parent in front of children or expose them to arguments.

Get Support

See a therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorce and co-parenting.

Present a united parenting front for kids. With boundaries and documentation, you can limit toxicity.

Example Scenarios

Send brief, business-like texts about pickups/drop-offs. Don’t react to hostile emails. Forward concerning messages to your lawyer. Keep exchanges kid-focused.

Starting Over and Finding Happiness

The road to rebuilding your life after leaving a narcissist can be challenging. Healing takes time, but happiness is possible by:

Spending Time Alone

Enjoy your independence. Don’t rush into new relationships.

Pursuing Old Interests

Revisit hobbies and passions you used to enjoy.

Exploring New Experiences

Step outside your comfort zone and try new things.

Repairing Relationships

Mend ties with friends or relatives that may have been neglected.

Embracing Self-Care

Focus on your needs – exercise, eat well, rest, renew.

Letting Go of Anger

Release resentment through journaling, therapy, or support groups.

Accepting it Takes Time

Be patient through ups and downs. Recognize progress.

The light at the end of the tunnel may feel far away but trust you will heal, thrive, and find joy again.

Example Scenarios

You restart your old book club, take up pottery classes, plan trips you’ve always wanted to take, spend more time with family, join a gym, write in a journal to process anger, and give yourself time to recover.

Conclusion

Repairing a marriage plagued by narcissism poses substantial challenges. While positive changes are possible through steps like communication strategies, boundary setting, and seeking treatment, ultimately you may need to walk away from the relationship. Yet know that even after enduring narcissistic abuse, you can still heal, find happiness, and build a rich life on your own terms – with the right supports.